H0le in the Ceiling

Gwynette Faye Amian Paez from Professor Hu Ying's "Fantastic Fictions" class shares how her necessary in-home 14-day quarantine after returning home from UCI impacted her.

Black H0le in the Ceiling
by Gwynette Faye Amian Paez
There's a small h0le located on the ceiling right above my bed. Sometimes, when I look at it for too long, I feel like I'm slowly being swallowed up by it. Each day, I wake up and I go about my day, but I can't help but feel myself slowly being taken in each time I stare at it. As I close my eyes, everything fades away...if only for a while.

(What do I mean by everything?)

Suddenly, a text tone from my phone pops up with notifications: the number of cases recorded for a particular state, medical personnel and 'essential workers'  thanked for their services but put in the frontline in spite of it all; events ranging from weddings to Coachella to concerts and even graduation ceremonies cancelled (or "postponed"); in the meantime, meat shortages make a surprising appearance and hoarders of sanitation supplies, paper towels, toilet paper, etc., finally show their true colors; political agendas left and right come out in full force to push for change at the expense of human lives. The consequences of this 'pandemic' shed a light on the abuse taking place within households, and so, so much more. What happened? From what we are told, people, both old and young, can die from this. We wear masks to go out, consistently wash our hands with soap and water for 20 seconds and make sure to never touch our faces with unwashed hands. We are encouraged to practice "social distancing" with one another...6 feet? 15 feet apart? Can you imagine that humans can physically distance themselves just like that? The alerts, the notifications, the news--everything I see, hear, think and feel is based on this pandemic. Our whole lives have revolved around COVID-19 for the past month or so. Perhaps, we may have to revolve around it a while longer.

(I am slowly feeling myself succumb...to what exactly?)

Being stuck in a box with my own bed and desk, with access to the bathroom and limited access to my family was painful. After coming home, I was required to quarantine myself for 14 days in my own room (which was supposed to be my own home) before I was able to go anywhere. This was for the sake of my family since I came home from attending university out of state and was afraid that I would get them sick.
It's Day 7 of my quarantine at home (or, specifically, in my room). I was alone with a laptop that had access to my online classes, news articles, Netflix, my phone with apps, notifications, more news articles and my favorite playlists for entertainment, but there was still little interaction with my family. So, I felt even more alone than usual. They left food in front of my door, but even if I was used to eating meals by myself back at my apartment, eating by myself in my family's home was pretty lonely.

(I stare at the h0le that begins to increase in size as if beckoning me to its side. I close my eyes..)

Everyone has been saying things will get back to "normal" soon... hah! That's quite hilarious, don't you think? Everything that's happened so far has and will become the "new normal." Everything we've learned and everything we've been doing will eventually be a reminder of “that virus”; our lives will continue this way until we find a vaccine. Meanwhile, we'll have to be living in this "new normal," and I will have to find something else to do to occupy my time (and my sanity). While having these thoughts is completely normal, I have very up-and-down days. Some days, I find myself being able to cope with everything as I attend classes, get homework done, workout using a fitness app, read a few chapters of a book I'm reading, watch a few movies and talk to my sister/family members via text, phone call or FaceTime. Other times, I find myself crying about the unfairness of this situation, upset for those who are suffering from this virus, anxious about my future endeavors or mad about the virus taking away our plans and our livelihood. Sometimes, a morbid thought comes up regarding this virus as a way to cleanse the Earth and for Mother Nature to restore balance once more....I know what you're thinking, I must sound iNs@Ne, huh.. Even so, when you're stuck in a room for more than a week, these thoughts are bound to come up. So, the only way to cope is to let it flow, acknowledge it, and move on. For whoever is reading this, try it. It won't hurt to try, and I find that it helps relieve my mind rather than cooping it up.

(Slowly, I am engulfed by the black h0le, and I find myself in a state of nothingness. My mind is left to wander and the noise around me slowly fades away. My body feels as light as a balloon as I begin to drift with no direction, no sense of time, no sense of space. Finally, my thoughts dwindle, the sounds from my phone notifications cease, the sound of cars driving on the freeway a few hundred feet or so outside my window is merely faint, and everything is quiet...)

The h0le in my ceiling is still the same. Is it Heaven? Is it Hell? Is it Purgatory? Perhaps, my solace? Or maybe, an escape? I'm not quite sure.
H0wever, every time I wake up, it's the first thing I see as the sunlight from the window hits my eyes. And then, a new day starts itself all over again. Day XX.

Sincerely yours,

Faye